someone get that fucking seahorse.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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