some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
