gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this boner is exhausting
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
