Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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