a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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