When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
