Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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