Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
