I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
