If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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