She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
