Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
