i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
