i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
