you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
