Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
