i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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