I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
