She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
