Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
not ubering you a puppy
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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