she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
