Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Everclear isn't food dammit
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
