When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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