Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
