we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
