just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
