I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I fill condoms, not promises.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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