Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
