Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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