i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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