the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
