I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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