When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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