Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
