I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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