can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The best revenge is premature balding
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
