awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
