I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
