at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
