Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
