Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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