My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
