The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
