I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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