Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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