Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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