You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
