Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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