Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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