I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i will never coherently bang her
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
