I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
