Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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