Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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