You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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