I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
