I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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