my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
