She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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