Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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